The story begins here

I doubt my girlfriend pops on here anymore to see what I’m writing, and no one has ever payed attention to my blog, so heres my vent.

Well. I moved in with my girlfriend and her family about 3 weeks ago. And I was so excited and happy to finally be living with the girl I love. But she, didnt seem so excited. Everytime we talked about it, she said “its fine” You would think the day you move in with the person you love would be one of the best days ever. She still hasnt showed much excitment. And I might know why. I recently found out she’s flirting with this girl Doni. Her flirting is a usual topic of our fights. I don’t know if I should ignore it and let her flirt to avoid fights. Or try to stop it. Either way, theres the risk I’ll let her run so free she’ll cheat, or I’ll push her so far away that she cheats. I’m scared to be in a relationship like this. I try and tell myself its just to boost her confindence, but I know thats not true. One time i asked her if she gets “butterflies” when she does and she said sometimes. And when I asked if thats part of the reason she does it, she said yeah. I just know the behavior shes showing leads to cheating, I’ve been there. I’ve been the flirt. And I cheated. 3 times. And i did love the girl I was with when i cheated. But that didnt stop me. I’m worried shes going to not be able to stop it. Or worse. She’ll meet a girl, flirt with her, cheat on me with her then leave me for her. I know shes just about to turn 18. And I am asking a lot of her, and putting a lot of stress on her due to the maturity and intensity of the relationship were in. She’s still in high school and we’re living together and engaged. Not many high school students are in relationships like this. I try to take that into consideration and I do my best to not be so crazy. But when I see messages being sent to this Doni girl saying things like “Doni, I miss you. A lot.” or “I miss the way we look at each other”

My life is in the shitter. I have a bad relationship with most of my family now. my girlfriend and I are who knows. I don’t know if I have a job anymore. Im a college drop out. I have no future. So why not just stop being a burrdon? I mean common. If I wasnt around Chantel could flirt and hook up with who ever and do whatever. My mom wouldnt worry about her secret getting out. My dad wont have to bother to try to send me a email here and there. Chantels parents dont have to worry about supporting yet another teenager. And I wont have to worry about being cheated on, or my mom yelling at me for whatever, or my dad being a dick, or causing Chantels family trouble or what im going to do with my suck ass life. Only 2 people I would feel bad for leaving is my sister and stepdad.

I’ve already cut up my arms like theres no tomorrow. I’m sick and flat out tired. I just can’t. I hate feeling my stomach go into knots when i hear chantels flirting again. Or getting yelled at for something thats not my fault. Or idk. the list is long.

I just wanna go away. But I can’t. So what am I going to do?

Who in the hell knows.

It’s always something. Something always pulls a marriage apart and someone always gets heart broken. I’m scared shitless of getting married, hell I’m scared to even be in a committed relationship. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 8 months. (as of 1/8/12) I am madly in love with her and want to spend my life with her and live with her. She has done things in the past that I didnt like and she still does things that make me question her faithfulness. But at the end of the day. She loves me. I still have days were I wonder why I deal with everything she and anyone else puts me threw. But I know that our love is true. It’s unbreakable. I will always love her. I can only hope that’s mutal.

Married couples break up for many different reasons.

They grow apart.

One is having an affair

Someone or Both are no longer happy.

One grows to have a drinking problem or drug problem.

The list goes on.

I just want to feel safe, and secure.

I need reassurance, love, and someone thats always there.

She’s all that and more. most of the time.

I just wish it didnt come with attitude.

She hates when I ask if shes cheated, or still loves me, or if she will always be there for me.

she gets annoyed and gives me attitude.

I just wish, in my dream world.

There was no attitude.

I try and do so much for her and her family. And sometimes I feel like she takes advantage of me, and other times I just wish she would agree to go out to dinner with me or let me help out.

I don’t know exactly how our future will play out, but I will be there every step of the way.

Even if she’s not.

She always gets upset when I beat her at games, what she doesn’t get is how jealous of her I am. She’s amazing at sports, specially softball. She can play the sax which I wish I could do and she’s so good at school compared to how I was. She is overall better then me. I wish shed see that

You may think you love me, but do you?

When was the last time you put me first and made me your top prioirty?

When was the last time you gave something up for time with me?

I gave up so much for you, and I don’t think you are grateful.

Oh well.

Let’s hope I don’t get fucked over in the end of this.

Its either basketball practice, a game, dinner with the team, breakfast with the team, softball game, pep band, marching band stuff, family things, as well as various other school events.

I feel like I am not in her schedule. She doesnt even tell me half the time that shes busy till I ask if we can hang out. I miss summer. We we could just hang out all day and be us and goof off and do whatever.

Hopefully it gets better before I end up freaking out.

I get its not her fault, but I just miss her. And she’s too busy to even notice we don’t get a lot of us time anymore. She’s too busy to miss me.

(via ihateshannon)